May 6, 2020

The White House model for ending the virus by May 15 is just not ambitious enough


All it is doing now is saying that deaths will end abruptly by May 15 — almost the way the first 15 cases were supposed to vanish like a “miracle.” But this is not enough. A model capable of ending deaths with a snap, like that, should not stop there. Any model this optimistic must keep going!

I have taken the liberty of extending it; below are the remainder of the model’s predictions.

Starting May 16, everyone will be one inch taller and will grow an extra lung.

As of May 17, there will be no deaths of any kind, not even accidents. A man attempting to rescue a cat will tumble from a tree, but a mysterious cube will cushion his fall. “The model!” onlookers will murmur, but they will not be sure.

As of May 18, you can visit all your relatives, and you will also discover that any disputes you had with them have been resolved and furthermore that they completely understand how to operate all their electronic devices. “The model,” everyone will say, with more confidence.

On May 19, all other diseases will vanish, without any need for vaccines.

On May 20, there will be baseball again, everywhere.

Everyone born after May 25 will have a cone of light protruding from the top of their scalp, into which you can gaze and perceive their true essence.

As of May 29, there will be double the number of people in the United States and they will all be excited to be there but, fascinatingly, take up less space and require less nourishment.

As of May 32 (May will have extra days according to this model), everyone will have not one job but THREE JOBS, all of which will be remunerative and safe.

As of May 33, the stock market will come to life, and its very first act will be to throw its arms around Donald Trump and call him “Papa.”

On May 41, every person anywhere in Europe who thought their country’s pandemic response was better will know with a bone-deep conviction that this was not the case, and they will pile into cruise ships to come say they are sorry in person. Also, honeybees will rebound.

On May 42, the housing supply and the number of people who require houses will suddenly align. Everyone will become a 10 who wants to become a 10, but it will not matter because everyone’s inner beauty will already be immediately visible to all.

On May 45, many Americans will discover they possess superpowers, but innocuous ones, such as the ability to arrive at someone’s house and have a thoughtful gift with you even when you didn’t remember to bring one.

On May 50, the authors of the Federalist Papers will suddenly be alive and they will bring back the Olympics, at which the United States will win every gold medal — especially in the new event of rock climbing.

On May 70, climate change will simply have fixed itself, requiring no assistance whatsoever from human beings.

On May 71, the dodo will come back.

on May 72, the passenger pigeon will come back.

On May 73 the dinosaurs will come back, but non-threateningly.

On May 91, world peace, and free Popsicles for everyone.

On May 99, Americans will wake up and discover that they have a song in their heads and it is the same song, and they will all burst into the streets and sing. We will all be in harmony and the tune will be intelligible to us, and the tune will be unceasing.

And just think, it will all start happening after May 15, when the coronavirus stops killing people.

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